Setting the Traps

Gosh, it has been two months since my last entry.  This is going to be a long one so get your coffee and pull up a comfortable chair. I'll pick up where I left off.

Christmas.  Let's talk about Christmas.  Dana, Dan and I went to a Christmas tree lot and bought a tree.  We NEVER do that.  We have always gone to a tree farm and cut our own.  This year we couldn't bring ourselves to follow our old tradition.  We bought a beautiful tree but it sat in the corner for 2 weeks before we could bring ourselves to decorate it.

Christmas Day, I woke up about 7 a.m. I walked into the great room and turned on the tree lights.  Out of the corner of my eye, I saw a bud vase holding a single, red rose on the the table nearby.  Curious, I turned the tag and it said, "To: Debbie From: Denny". Tears sprang to my eyes.  I recognized the handwriting as Dan's.

The kids didn't get up until 10 a.m. (Such a change from their younger days!) I asked Dan about the rose.  He said, "I promised Dad he wouldn't be forgotten." What a sweet heart my son has!  We began to open presents but the feeling was not the same.  There was a huge void. We tried to make it festive but the absence of Superman was hard.

In the days that followed, I was deep in thought.  My job at the hospital was getting increasingly difficult for me.  An end-of-life case came in that affected me deeply. The faces of the patient's family sent me spiraling down into a dark place.  Even though I love my co-workers tremendously, I was going through the motions of living; not healing.

I have always told my kids, "If there is something in your life you don't like, then change it."  So I did.  I resigned from my job and got busy.  My "thinking" time had come to an end and I had a new plan in place.  I looked at the numbers and decided to put my house up for sale and move to Alabama. Denny and I talked about this before he died.  I've decided to look forward and see where this path leads. The house needs to have a few things fixed.  I'm working on getting it ready for market.  Between that and managing 2 puppies, 2 adult dogs, 1 cat and 3 chickens, I've been kept very busy!

The kids went back to school and got back into the game.  Dan ran for an office in the IFC Cabinet and, I'm proud to say, he is now the Co-Director of Recruitment.  The IFC Cabinet, as I understand, is the governing body for all of the 29 fraternities at Auburn University. War Eagle, Dan! Dana had been selected for the job shadowing program at University of Alabama.  She was set to shadow a pediatrician.  She was also selected to mentor a beginning pre-med student through the Capstone Honor College. Roll Tide, Dana!

Funny thing about plans, though.  Sometimes, they don't go as smoothly as envisioned.  Dana had called me a little over a week ago saying she was sick.  She complained of running a fever for 3 days in a row of 102-103.  I told her to go to the Student Health center.  She was getting ready for her sorority's biggest event of the year; the Anchor Ball.  Kyle, Dana's boyfriend, drove down from Tennessee.  She got news from the health center that she had Mono.  By Sunday, Dana's skin and eyes were yellow.  Kyle called and said I needed to come down.  She was so weak she couldn't get herself a drink of water and he didn't want to leave her.

I jumped in my SUV and got to Tuscaloosa as soon as I could.  Kyle and I took her to the ER and she was admitted.  She was in the hospital for 3 days getting hydration.  Blood tests determined that she had stress-induced mono, jaundice and acute hepatitis.  The hepatitis is a general type; not A, B or C.  The doctor put her on medical leave for the rest of the semester.  When she was discharged from the hospital, I brought her home to Tennessee.  She is resting comfortably at home. Kyle is a gem and helps take care of her so I can work on getting the house ready.

I miss Denny every day.  I know that Superman is up in heaven; not suffering and visiting with people he has not seen in years. I also know I have to go forward in life without him and that is the hard part.  Grief, to me, is like a small, ferocious animal.  It sinks it's teeth into you from the inside out.  Some days, it really gets a grip and other days, it is quiet. In my mind, I visualize myself fighting it off.  I'm setting the traps!

They say time does not stand still.  It is dynamic; always in motion.  I'm hoping it will keep propelling me forward,  Each day gets a little easier.  I will miss Superman the rest of my life.  I will miss him when our kids graduate from college.  I will miss him when they marry and have children.  However, I have to remember that I'm living for both of us from here on out so I'm going to make it count...