Rage

We woke up this morning to a cool breeze and bright sunshine.  Things seemed almost normal until reality slammed into my stomach like a fist.  I felt so sad; tears rolled down my cheeks and into the pillow behind my head.  I thought it was Denny lying next to me in bed but when I turned my head, I was staring into the bright eyes of our dog, Toby.  Of course, that made me laugh! Denny was already up.  I went into the great room and there he was; watching his favorite shows and bidding on an ebay auction.  He smiled and said, "Good Morning!  I feel pretty good today."  As I felt the breeze, saw the sun and Denny's smile, I realized that, yes, it was a good morning.

We laughed a little, talked a little, and just enjoyed the peace of the day.  No, things aren't perfect but that didn't stop us from enjoying the gift of this day.  Denny's pain is controlled.  The steroids seem to be holding the secondary swelling from the tumor to a minimum.  The steroids are also making him more hungry so he is eating more.  Because he is eating, he has more energy.  With more energy, he wants to go outside.  When he is outside, he is in the sun so he has more color. Denny looks better than I've seen him look in months.  Isn't that the strangest thing?

In the hospital, Denny had an MRI.  It showed that the cancer is in his left upper jawbone and the bone of his left eye orbit.  It is also moving to the right side of the sinus cavity.  Until now, it has been concentrated in the left side.  One of the Attending Doctors came in to speak with us.  He said it was a conversation he wishes he didn't have to have.  Basically, he said that there was nothing else that could be done.  Denny's oncologist consulted with this doctor and said Denny had 2 options.  The first is to continue to get chemo.  She has no idea what kind or how much and doesn't have any idea if it will work or not.  The second is to keep treating the symptoms with pain medicine and steroids to give him quality of life until the end.  I'm sure we will discuss this more on Thursday when we see her face to face.  The doctor said that we should be considering Palliative Care to help control his symptoms and this will convert to Hospice when the time comes.

We knew this day was coming but the horror of it was still pretty powerful.  Denny and I were holding hands and we were squeezing tight.  The doctor asked if we had any questions so he answered those and then left the room to draw up the discharge papers.  You could hear a pin drop in that hospital room as the door closed behind him.  Superman and I looked at each other but the words couldn't come.  I put my head down on the side of the bed and just sobbed.  Then I heard him say in a quiet voice choked with emotion, "I'm not done fighting yet." With that, my head came up and I saw determination deep in his eyes.  I have never been more proud of him as I was in that moment.  This example of his awesome courage will stay with me always.

We will see what the oncologist has to say on Thursday but I have a feeling that regardless of what options she gives, Superman has his own agenda.  It made me think of that poem by Dylan Thomas, mainly this stanza: "Do not go gentle into that good night, Old Age should burn and rave at close of day; Rage Rage against the dying of the light."

So, Rage, Superman! TheWoodruff4 aren't done yet!